Mr Simpson's Choice
You don't need to be a foody to appreciate this one - just a glutton. One of my favorite Kurt Vonnegut retorts was “I couldn't give a flying f**k through a rolling donut” and if you are of a similar bent this may be the USB for you. You can work out your perspective on life itself with this one. If you see the donut, you are an optimist. If you only see the hole then, I am afraid, you veer towards the pessimistic view point on life, the universe and, well, everything. Hopefully it will be the former. As a certain Matt Groening once said: “Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?”
The Utility USB
Holy Flash Drives, Batman! This one may well turn out useful if you find yourself short of a tool or two but only when you're not using your PC. The only problem is that when the only tool you have is a hammer, then every problem begins to look like a nail. This may, then, not be a good present for the suggestible friend or the inquisitive child. One could be tempted to self harm with this baby. However, if that happens keep in mind that self harm is a sign of distress, not madness. Congratulate your friend or child on their survival technique and move on together.
In Vino Veritas
Red, red wine, goes to my head - so says the song. If you have a fondness for the red grape elixir with a bite then this is possibly your USB of choice. Don't overdo it though, because when the wine is in, the wit is often out. Even Shakespeare had words to say on the subject, even though it is thought that an alcohol induced snooze under a tree led to the cold which led to his demise. He said that “good wine is like a familiar creature if it is well used.” How would Shakey's take on the world change, could he see our world of overindulgence and excess? He could throw his lot in with Johnny Depp who used to date a certain Ms Rider. When they split up he had his tattoo changed from “Winona Forever” to “Wino Forever”. Did that man have to act to play Captain Jack?
In the Biblical sense? Really?
This one is a little worrying, to me at least. Dylan Thomas once said of the Welsh that they were a nation that prayed on their knees every Sunday and on their neighbors for the rest of the week. Can you imagine any current candidate for the American presidency getting away with saying the following? “When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.” That was Abraham Lincoln who probably did more good during his presidency than either Junior or Senior has today (and on a religious note, I will not make any poor taste joke about a burning “Bush” here). I have looked and cannot find an equivalent Koranic USB, which makes me ponder as to who takes their holy book more seriously.
Holy Data Bombs, Batman
For some reason, this seems like the next and obvious choice on this list - why? Answers on a postcard please! This may be one if you wish to shock or awe your colleagues but it may be wise to err, depending on what you surname is. We live, after all, in suspicious times. Whitney Brown once tickled me pink - “Our bombs are smarter than the average High School student - at least they can find Kuwait”. Seriously, though, if this one starts tucking in your office, vacate the premises quickly. Don't have nightmares!
Bullet Proof your data!
This leads us on to this model - the original bullet proof USB, or at least that is how it is marketed. It would take a pretty sharp sharp-shooter to pinpoint this on a moving object, but I guess I am taking the sales pitch too seriously. Do you remember when the Washington Bullets changed their name because they didn't want to be associated with crime? They're just called The Bullets now. This little beauty is designed for those of you who have an extreme active lifestyle. Considering you are sat at your PC reading this, I can only assume it will be of little interest. So, let's move on.
Life is a gamble, after all!
You may prefer to gamble rather than gambol through life - in which case this may be your USB of choice. If you are of the school that money won is twice as sweet as money earned, you could take your chances on this. It may be a warning from the manufacturer, however, that this hardware is just as likely to fail as it is to work, so be warned! I think I may take my chances with another model - after all, in a bet there are always at least two people involved, a fool and a thief.
Canine Capers
If you use your internet connection as a means to watch mammals (of any particular species) doing it like they do it on the Discovery Channel, then this may give you a giggle or two. If anything more, go and wash your hands immediately! Dog lovers - and here again I chose my words carefully - may get a little queasy on first site of this and call their therapist immediately. If so, remember what Ben Williams said: “there is no psychiatry in the world like a puppy licking your face.” I repeat, face, for all of you potentially sick puppies out there.
