Eric Cartman
Eric Cartman is not only a loud mouth, hippy hating, Nazi-esque Nine year old. But he is also rather porky. Thus leaving me to believe that if he was to have any printer it would most probably be the rather large in size HP Deskjet 9800.
Any pictures taken of himself need a printer with a half decent A3 printing capability and that is what this printer has; the tonne upon tonne of “cheesy poofs” and pies that this colossal son of a crack whore can consume merits a printer of equal magnitude. However from an external point of view one does have to say that it can be a bit of a space consumer. Place it on a desk at work and you have very little room for a monitor, a keyboard or even a small picture of your cat (in Cartman's case, his pet pig Fluffy). So again from an external point of view one would surmise that this product is meant for a networked office, with everyone using the device to print things like leaflets, posters and general office documents. With its facility for a duplicator it further seems an ideal candidate for the aforementioned tasks. But Eric has another justification for owning this printer.
This justification is that although the 9800 has a rather simple display of buttons, they are overshadowed by the space-ship like tray system. Similar to the launch pad used by Thunderbird 2, the paper tray borders on the excessive, which suits Cartman just fine. This “feature” makes him able to show off to his friends Stan, Kyle and Kenny (when he is not dead) that his printer can do lots of things, when in reality all it can really do is print. In fact, his companions could easily point out that although it does print A3 documents expertly; any other documents that comprise of more than ten pages get spluttered about the place like phlegm from the mouth of a flu ridden pirate. With no little bit of plastic or clever device to keep the paper organised, an already cluttered desk can look like the aftermath of a curry eating contest with only dinosaurs participating.
Price is something that normally comes into play when thinking about any product, whether a printer or just a piece of Edam. So once again this printer fits into the Cartman bracket of excessiveness. Retailing from around £215 this printer spits in the face of the philosophy of “less is more”.
Even the shape of the printer sells itself to Cartman; it is sleek, fat and has a front that looks like a duck dressed as Robo-Cop. Why would this be appealing? Because a duck dressed as Robo-Cop looks and sounds like an experiment gone incredibly wrong and other people failing makes Eric Cartman a very happy boy!
Stan Broflovski
The resident Jew of the town of South Park! With a successful lawyer for a father and an activist bitch for a mother, a printer is needed that can perform more than one task.
There are many all in one printers that family, or indeed a family/business, or indeed a family/business/fat bitch could choose from. The one next to me (which is some discontinued model) can scan, print and copy. But what good is this if you want to send an angry fax to someone you want to sue? Indeed Kyle had to step in when his Dad made the trip down to PC World, but what he chose was an abysmal piece of dog turd, known as part of the HP Officejet All in one series; the 4315. It can scan (after you have spent the entirety of the Die Hard quadrilogy installing it); it can print (badly), copy (to a moderately ok standard) and send faxes about as well as a large rock. The cartridges supplied are clearly used to print off the whole of the bible so a replacement is needed almost instantly; which came as an annoyance to Sheila Broflovski as she immediately wanted to print off some “Blame-Canada” posters. So one would assume that it is not the best choice from the little boy with the green hat? Well maybe it is…
You see for Kyle all he wants is to print off the occasional essay, story or poster. The most strain he will ever put on this to print things, is when he has to produce some sort of leaflet, letter or picture to get back at the anti-Semitic Cartman. And although it does have the faxing consistency of an English summer, it does suffice. The scanning is not needed and there is no problem with the copying.
But there is still one other annoyance with this printer, that makes Kyle regret that he ever got his father to purchase it. The volume of the printer is so loud, that if he wants to have an early night after a hard day of sledging, he can't. In fact the volume is so loud that Mr Hankey the Christmas poo will not come anymore. There is one positive though, as this stupendously loud printer, fax-machine, scanner and copier does also have a fifth function, which is that of a burglar alarm! Something useful in a town which has experienced mutated killer turkeys, conjunctivitis infected zombies and a threat of terrorism coming from the Queen!
