Are you worried about what people might find on your USB if it is lost or stolen? Then look no further than this neat little gadget that has military style encryption and even allows you to set a pin number so you and you alone can access the contents of the drive. Perfect for those porno peepers who do not wish to be discovered by spouse or if you are writing that oh so secret diary that no one, but no one can see. That is, of course, until you publish it on your blog so the world, its wife, the sheep and the water melons can read your innermost thoughts about their various uses.

The Love Hippo

Some think the Noble hippopotamus, a somewhat pointless rhinoceros - or at least that was the observation of the poet Winstanley. Hippos have had a bad press of late, what with squishing lots of American tourists, similar in girth and weight to themselves. Is there such a thing as hippo envy one wonders? Whatever the case, this hippo could find herself described in the same way the British rather pompously inscribed their one pound coin. Decus Et Tutamen is the phrase, which means decorative and useful. One for lovers of cute rather than the aesthetes of our little blue planet, I would imagine.

What came first, the chicken or the USB?

A rather frightening addition to the host of strange and peculiar USBs available, this peculiar piece of hardware should neither be confused with the Firefox extension of the same name or the game which is taking the domino world by storm at the moment (I kid thee not, there is a domino world and there is a game called chickenfoot). There is an ancient superstition that if you eat a chicken foot you will become handsome, so perhaps this could be your choice of gift to the geek with the lank hair and the spots who works in your IT department. You know the one. Yes, him.

Doggy biscuit bones

Your tastes may veer more towards the canine so these may be the perfect USB for dog lovers everywhere - and I choose my words carefully. Shakespeare once exhorted us to “Fill all thy bones with aches” and so this may be a great flash drive if you want to catalogue your daily miseries. Or plot, perhaps, your revenge on those who have offended. After all, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go and sit in a corner and cry for hours. One advantage of these items is that the lid flips over and stays attached meaning that you can never lose the top of your USB, unlike your heart.

Boy racer heaven

Perhaps you are a secret boy racer and have in your fantasies dreamed about zooming, fifties style, around the water systems of some American city while your girl cheers you on to victory against that nasty type with the leather jacket. This model then, may be for you. I have never been sure about the combination of cars and the fairer sex. After all, Albert Einstein once said “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” As possibly the cleverest guy on the planet ever, his words must be taken in to account - at least a little.

Swarovski - AT Your Own Risk

Any gentlemen reading this may find it a hoot to give the above Swarovski crystal USB to the lady of the moment. However, give it a thought or two before you do - receiving this as a gift may increase the expectations of the lady in question to an unfathomable height (if that isn't an oxymoron). She may well see it as a precursor of the real thing. Remember the immortal words of the sixteenth century English poet, Donne, upon his wife and his marriage: “John Donne, Anne Donne, Undonne.” Cynicism aside, if your lady veers on the right side of sanity, this may amuse and entertain her for a while, but buyer beware!

One for the Lecter in all of us

This would look rather pleasingly gruesome sticking out of the side of your laptop or PC, so those of a slightly queasy nature may not appreciate the biological humor involved. Neil Armstrong said in an interview that while standing on the moon (conspiracy theorists, give me a second here) he was able to blot out the earth with his thumb. What he should have said was his thumb, safely encased inside a bulky space suit because the consequences may have been serious otherwise (and in space, no one can hear you scream out expletives as a vacuum renders you quickly speechless - the original byline for the film Alien incidentally, considered too long, much like this sentence).

Mr Simpson's Choice

You don't need to be a foody to appreciate this one - just a glutton. One of my favorite Kurt Vonnegut retorts was “I couldn't give a flying f**k through a rolling donut” and if you are of a similar bent this may be the USB for you. You can work out your perspective on life itself with this one. If you see the donut, you are an optimist. If you only see the hole then, I am afraid, you veer towards the pessimistic view point on life, the universe and, well, everything. Hopefully it will be the former. As a certain Matt Groening once said: “Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?”

The Utility USB

Holy Flash Drives, Batman! This one may well turn out useful if you find yourself short of a tool or two but only when you're not using your PC. The only problem is that when the only tool you have is a hammer, then every problem begins to look like a nail. This may, then, not be a good present for the suggestible friend or the inquisitive child. One could be tempted to self harm with this baby. However, if that happens keep in mind that self harm is a sign of distress, not madness. Congratulate your friend or child on their survival technique and move on together.

In Vino Veritas

Red, red wine, goes to my head - so says the song. If you have a fondness for the red grape elixir with a bite then this is possibly your USB of choice. Don't overdo it though, because when the wine is in, the wit is often out. Even Shakespeare had words to say on the subject, even though it is thought that an alcohol induced snooze under a tree led to the cold which led to his demise. He said that “good wine is like a familiar creature if it is well used.” How would Shakey's take on the world change, could he see our world of overindulgence and excess? He could throw his lot in with Johnny Depp who used to date a certain Ms Rider. When they split up he had his tattoo changed from “Winona Forever” to “Wino Forever”. Did that man have to act to play Captain Jack?

In the Biblical sense? Really?

This one is a little worrying, to me at least. Dylan Thomas once said of the Welsh that they were a nation that prayed on their knees every Sunday and on their neighbors for the rest of the week. Can you imagine any current candidate for the American presidency getting away with saying the following? “When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.” That was Abraham Lincoln who probably did more good during his presidency than either Junior or Senior has today (and on a religious note, I will not make any poor taste joke about a burning “Bush” here). I have looked and cannot find an equivalent Koranic USB, which makes me ponder as to who takes their holy book more seriously.

Holy Data Bombs, Batman

For some reason, this seems like the next and obvious choice on this list - why? Answers on a postcard please! This may be one if you wish to shock or awe your colleagues but it may be wise to err, depending on what you surname is. We live, after all, in suspicious times. Whitney Brown once tickled me pink - “Our bombs are smarter than the average High School student - at least they can find Kuwait”. Seriously, though, if this one starts tucking in your office, vacate the premises quickly. Don't have nightmares!

Bullet Proof your data!

This leads us on to this model - the original bullet proof USB, or at least that is how it is marketed. It would take a pretty sharp sharp-shooter to pinpoint this on a moving object, but I guess I am taking the sales pitch too seriously. Do you remember when the Washington Bullets changed their name because they didn't want to be associated with crime? They're just called The Bullets now. This little beauty is designed for those of you who have an extreme active lifestyle. Considering you are sat at your PC reading this, I can only assume it will be of little interest. So, let's move on.

Life is a gamble, after all!

You may prefer to gamble rather than gambol through life - in which case this may be your USB of choice. If you are of the school that money won is twice as sweet as money earned, you could take your chances on this. It may be a warning from the manufacturer, however, that this hardware is just as likely to fail as it is to work, so be warned! I think I may take my chances with another model - after all, in a bet there are always at least two people involved, a fool and a thief.

Canine Capers

If you use your internet connection as a means to watch mammals (of any particular species) doing it like they do it on the Discovery Channel, then this may give you a giggle or two. If anything more, go and wash your hands immediately! Dog lovers - and here again I chose my words carefully - may get a little queasy on first site of this and call their therapist immediately. If so, remember what Ben Williams said: “there is no psychiatry in the world like a puppy licking your face.” I repeat, face, for all of you potentially sick puppies out there.